FUCK!

I get unemployment but next to nothing. Barely enough to live indoors. That doesn't count food. This fucking blows. Best I can tell I'll have 160ish dollars to eat every month. About 5 bucks a day.

The only hope I have is that the time I spent on unemployment counts and that "they" forgot to count that.

I'm really glad I have savings

Harry Potter abortion

So I had a series of dreams last night that involved the Harry Potter universe. It started with a version of me that wasn't very much like me at all at hogwarts and spun out from there. I realized that there was plenty of material there for a roleplaying game. Various schools of magic, teachers, rivals, houses, spells, and an interesting environment to set stories in. I thought about restricted or lost libraries containing powerful lore as well as forgotten rooms of mysterious purpose. Throw in Dark wizards, evil plots, the forbidden forest, the nearby town, wand creation and augmentation, classes and exams.

Then the whole thing was ruined. I realized that I would have to put in rules for qudditch.

fuck

A fine kettle of fish

They have decided not to renew my contract. I am out on my ass at the end of the month. I am pretty sure that I could go back to workstation support and I'm just as sure that if I did I'd be slitting my wrists three months afterward.

fuck

Great

Now I am scared of cloud computing. just fucking swell. a pint of "it's okay" and another of "don't worry about it" maybe a whole pitcher of "just go back to sleep"

The Terror

I'm scared. Watching how the world in technology is changing, not just quickly but drastically also, if frightening. Run and hide, stand and face it, or fight the giant. There isn't anything that can be done against that.

I think my fear is that if I fight I'll lose because I don't think I'm good enough. I guess my option then is to see if i can keep from losing long enough. I don't even know if I can do that.

The Dream

Out in Amsterdam there is a hostel called the Golden Apple. Every night it is packed floor to ceiling with backpackers from around the world, who listen to a great DJ, eat good food, drink amazing beer, and generally party until they pass out in one another's beds.

The whole house is a riot of sound and color except for the roof. On the roof is a little zen garden; the center piece of a quiet oasis, and in the shade of a tree is a hammock and a little monk who dispenses wisdom distilled from madness.

from bad place

I have had a miasma of horrible thoughts recently. Doubts, worries, and uncertainties that fill my head. Below is a block of them

I am dumb and I feel myself getting dumber. I'm not good enough to be great and since I can't achieve escape velocity then I am doomed to crash. I've lied so much, to myself and others, that I don't know who I am. I don't care about much and I'm concerned that I'm not concerned about that. I'm worried I can't reasonably say that at least I'm good at what I do. I'm just introspective enough to realize i've been making conciliatory statements about myself.

Ug. These thoughts wear me down. I don't want to ignore them but thinking about them scares me.

How does one successful live ones life? What does success mean? What are my needs? What do I want from life? Why am I just now thinking about this? If there is no point to life, if I have no goals, then how can I derive what I should be doing?

I wonder if that's what life ultimately is? The pursuit of self assigned goals. I have a lot to think about.