Why I do what I do

My name is Tom. I am known by other names; Elmo, Zombie, Loki, The Bandersnatch, ect. I am also known as The Drunken Master of Speed. I can drink a pint glass of beer in less than six seconds. I can, in very short order, down many beers and go from sober to pleasantly drunk and do so on certain occasions. I am full of drinking stories from all over the place; from this country and others. Residing in my head are secret drink concoctions that are enjoyed by many and are sought after. People see what I do and they want to do it also and I help them.

They never realize that what I am doing is cramming large amounts of poison into my body. They think what I do is cool and not an act of self destruction. They can't do what I can and that makes them want to. They really want to learn to do to themselves what I do.

So what do I do? I have them become my apprentice if they come to me. They have to practice slamming booze into themselves. They have to work at it. After they've done that long enough they are allowed to challenge me and become part of the House of Speed. Just before I let them in though I look them in the eye and I ask them why they want to kill themselves with booze. Why they hate their bodies and why they want to die that much sooner.

They have to realize that this choice is one that isn't going to lead to happiness but a shorter lifespan. That if it gets on top of them, as it can very easily do, they will lose everything else and won't care that parts of their body are dying. Then I ask them if they still want to do this.

I think this gives them an opportunity to act wild and crazy in a sudo controlled environment and see first hand what all of it means. Hopefully they will see what too much is without getting alcohol poisoning. Maybe they can find out what responsible drinking is and know their limit without being t-totalers.